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There are five questions that a man doesn't want to hear from his wife (or girlfriend):
1. What are you thinking about?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses:
a. Baseball.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I'd be talking to you!"
a. Oh yeah, lots and lots.
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
a. Compared to what?
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,
dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by "love."
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the inappropriate answers are:
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Inappropriate responses include:
b. She's not prettier, but she's definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define "pretty."
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is, "Buy a Corvette and a boat."
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? [with a hurt look on her face]. Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: [Silence]
MAN: Uh-oh ...
... from an e-mail I received.
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