|
|
Things that men want to say to women: 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Crying is blackmail. 3. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it. 4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 5. A headache that lasts for three months is a problem. See a doctor. 6. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. 7. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. 8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us The Question. 9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you angry, we meant the other one. 10. Please say what you have to say during the commercials. 11. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 12. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 13. If it itches, we scratch it. 14. If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing," we will assume that nothing's wrong. 15. If you ask us a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 16. When we have to go somewhere with you, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss firearms or the grilling of steaks. |
EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES: » All police departments will assign you a partner who is totally incompatible with you. » All medieval peasants have perfect teeth. » The best place to hide in a building is the ventilation system. No one will think of looking for you there, and you can travel to any part of the building through it. » All laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading aliens. » Any lock can be opened quickly with a credit card or paperclip. » Dogs will always reveal the bad guys by barking at them. » Makeup never smudges, even when worn in bed or underwater. » Electrical power and telephone sevice will always be disrupted by a thunderstorm when there's a deranged killer on the loose. » A man can be involved in a ferocious fight without showing any pain, but will wince when getting his wounds cleaned by a woman. » You can always tell when a bomb will explode because they are all fitted with large red readouts (and they make beeping noises during the countdown). » If you start a fight in a western saloon, everyone else will join in. » Being thrown though a large plate-glass window will not cause lacerations. » You can gain access to any information you want in a computer by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." » All computers are connected. » Computers beep whenever the screen changes. Computers have the courtesy to slow down the output on the screen so that it never goes faster than you can read. » All computers have thousands of volts of electricity and explosive material inside them. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that pushes you backwards. » If you're displaying a file on your monitor and someone deletes the file remotely, it disappears from YOUR screen. » No matter what kind of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any computer you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. » The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. And the buttons have no labels. » Whenever someone looks at a computer monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his face. |
|
the Craft |
|
|
|
Personal Note |
Court Cases |
Irrelevant |
Dissertations |
Christianity |
Top 1000 |