Little Billy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bars, one after another.   After the sixth candy bar, a man sitting on the bench across from him said, "Y'know, son, eating all that candy isn't good for you.   It'll give you acne ... rot your teeth ... make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather live so long by eating six candy bars at a time?"

"No ... by minding his own fucking business."

An upscale bar in lower Manhattan needed a new piano player. They put an ad in the newspaper, and people came in to audition.

One of the candidates, Joe, came in and sat down at the piano. "Show us what you got," said the manager.

Joe began playing, a lilting tune, lovely and light, just perfect for the elegant atmosphere they wanted in the club. "Wow!!" said the manager. "That's great!! I've never heard that particular piece before. What's the name of it?"

"I wrote it," said Joe. "It's called 'My Dog Sucked My Tits and Then Shit on the Floor.'"

The manager cleared his throat. "What else can you play?"

Joe played a jazzy little tune this time, never missing a note. The manager was again impressed.

"Never heard that one before either, Joe. What's the name of it?"

"It's another one I wrote. The title is 'Jack the Cock and Lick the Cunt.'"

The manager said, "Well, you're hired ... but on one condition. Don't tell our customers the titles of the tunes you play."

The next night, the place was packed, and Joe showed up right on time, wearing a nice tuxedo. He played beautifully, and the crowd loved him. Everyone was very impressed.

After an hour, it was time for him to take his first break, and he went to the bathroom. As he was walking back to the piano, threading his way among the tables, a man tugged on the edge of his coat. "Uh, sir," he said, "do you know your fly is open and your dick's hanging out?"

Joe said, "Know it? I wrote it !!"

Things that men want to say to women:

1.   Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up; you need it down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2.   Crying is blackmail.
3.   Ask for what you want.   Subtle hints do not work.   Strong hints do not work.   Obvious hints do not work.   Just say it.
4.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
5.   A headache that lasts for three months is a problem.   See a doctor.
6.   Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
7.   If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
8.   If you think you're fat, you probably are.   Don't ask us The Question.
9.   If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you angry, we meant the other one.
10.   Please say what you have to say during the commercials.
11.   Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
12.   Peach is a fruit, not a color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have no idea what mauve is.
13.   If it itches, we scratch it.
14.   If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing," we will assume that nothing's wrong.
15.   If you ask us a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
16.   When we have to go somewhere with you, absolutely anything you wear is fine.   Really.
17.   Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss firearms or the grilling of steaks.


  »   All police departments will assign you a partner who is totally incompatible with you.

  »   All medieval peasants have perfect teeth.

  »   The best place to hide in a building is the ventilation system. No one will think of looking for you there, and you can travel to any part of the building through it.

  »   All laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading aliens.

  »   Any lock can be opened quickly with a credit card or paperclip.

  »   Dogs will always reveal the bad guys by barking at them.

  »   Makeup never smudges, even when worn in bed or underwater.

  »   Electrical power and telephone sevice will always be disrupted by a thunderstorm when there's a deranged killer on the loose.

  »   A man can be involved in a ferocious fight without showing any pain, but will wince when getting his wounds cleaned by a woman.

  »   You can always tell when a bomb will explode because they are all fitted with large red readouts (and they make beeping noises during the countdown).

  »   If you start a fight in a western saloon, everyone else will join in.

  »   Being thrown though a large plate-glass window will not cause lacerations.

  »   You can gain access to any information you want in a computer by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS."

  »   All computers are connected.

  »   Computers beep whenever the screen changes. Computers have the courtesy to slow down the output on the screen so that it never goes faster than you can read.

  »   All computers have thousands of volts of electricity and explosive material inside them. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that pushes you backwards.

  »   If you're displaying a file on your monitor and someone deletes the file remotely, it disappears from YOUR screen.

  »   No matter what kind of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any computer you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

  »   The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. And the buttons have no labels.

  »   Whenever someone looks at a computer monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his face.

What is the difference between a coconut and a Scotsman?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.

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