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Quotations (page 1)
Sorry about all the font colors. RED indicates a link.
Some questions don't have answers.
The man who loves right and righteousness will do right, law or no law, while the man who loves wrong will do wrong in spite of all law.
If you love, you will suffer.
There is nothing beautiful or sweet or great in life that is not mysterious.
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
— the last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people. This is very difficult, since we think they're happier than they really are.
Obstacles are those scary things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Those of us who dance are considered to be insane by those who cannot hear the music.
"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need."
— Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
— Oscar Wilde
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."
— Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
The dumber people think you are, the more suprised they are when you kill them.
I majored in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
Art should never try to be popular. The public should try to be artistic.
Life is a bad joke, and all of us, collectively, are the butt of it.
I'm a lawyer. If I had to worry about going to hell, I'd never get anything done.
God is my co-pilot. It's Satan who makes me keep pushing down so hard on the accelerator.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
"We [the Beatles] probably seem to be anti-religious ... none of us believes in God"
— Paul McCartney (quoted in Hit Parader, January 1970)
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I drive WAY too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Intelligence may be defined as the thing that the intelligence tests test.
The best way to determine a person's true personality is by what kind of jokes make him angry.
Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: "could have, might have, and should have."
The saddest moment in a person's life comes only once.
Never engage in any winter sport that has an ambulance parked at the bottom of the hill.
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Depends on how many of them took lessons.
I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,
But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,
Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
— Janeane Garofalo
Character is defined by the decisions you make when you are 100% sure you won't get caught.
Happiness is nothing more than health and a poor memory.
"Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made the one superior to the other[.] ... Good women are obedient[.] ... As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and beat them[.]"
— The Koran (Surah 4:34)
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
— Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
"I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
— Arnold Schwarzenegger, then Governor-elect of California (2003)
"Do not worry; eat three square meals a day; say your prayers; be courteous to your creditors; keep your digestion good; exercise; go slow and easy. Maybe there are other things your special case requires to make you happy, but my friend, these I reckon will give you a good lift."
— Abraham Lincoln
"These go to 11."
— Nigel Tufnel in This is Spinal Tap
Why do irons have a setting for "permanent press?"
"ANYWHERE is 'walking distance' if you have enough time."
— Steven Wright
"I'm currently writing an unauthorized autobiography."
— Steven Wright
"I put a new engine into my car, but I didn't take the old one out."
— Steven Wright
"I spilled spot remover on my dog . . . and now he's gone."
— Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."
— Steven Wright
If you go to a general store, will they let you buy something specific?
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
— Steven Wright
"I want to say something positive, but I can't think of anything positive to say ... will you settle for two negatives?"
— Woody Allen
Truth is always stranger than fiction.
That's because fiction has to make sense.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Remember that half the people in the world are below average.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I just let her sleep.
Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.
Mimes are always funnier when they're dead.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in
response to student Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service
(Smith went on to found Federal Express).
I am a witch.
For centuries, we had to live in the shadows.
But the dark ages are over.
Try to burn me NOW, motherfucker.
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known things, there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."
— U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (2003)
"When two incompatible beliefs are advocated with equal intensity, the truth does not lie half way between them."
— Richard Dawkins
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
— Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Health" is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
[On marriage] "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."
- George Bernard Shaw
"I realized again that what seems to me so rich about America - this great, open, changing, diverse society - is what frightens and sometimes angers others. They see an assault on family values. We see family. Our family. Our values."
— Ellen Goodman, writer for The Boston Globe, October 5, 2003, writing about a gay wedding she had attended.
Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
"Giggle. Giggle if you want to."
— Amy Grant (1960 - )
"Anything any other man can do, I can do. Maybe not as well, but I can do it."
— Frank Nixon (father of Richard Nixon)
Why doesn't the Spanish channel have English subtitles?
No matter how much trouble you go to to make something "idiot-proof," there is, somewhere in the world, at least one idiot who will be able to fuck it up.
"That rainbow song is no good. Take it out."
- Memo from an MGM executive after the first screening of "The Wizard of Oz"
To vacillate or not to vacillate: that is the question . . . or is it?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
The map is not the territory.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
You never really learn to curse until you learn to drive.
"Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts."
Veni, vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
"The midnight earth sends incense up, sweet with the breath of prayer,
"Go out into the naked night and get religion there."
— Sam Walter Foss
"Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?"
— Jay Leno
"Having committed political suicide, the Conservative Party is now living to regret it."
— Chris Patten, British Politician (2003)
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
— Herm Albright
"Any technology that does not appear magical is insufficiently advanced."
— Gregory Benford
"Any universe simple enough to be understood is too simple to produce a mind able to understand it."
— John Barrow
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons."
— Popular Mechanics magazine, 1949
"I always liked to chase the girls. Parkinson's stops all that. Now I might have a chance to go to heaven."
— Muhammad Ali (calling Parkinson's Disease a blessing).
Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
One of us is thinking about sex . . . okay, it's me.
Macho Law forbids me to admit I'm wrong.
Ambivalent? Well ... yes and no.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except my friends deep inside the earth.
"Come on in, and try not to screw things up by being yourself."
— Helen Hunt to Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets
Any reasonably intelligent person can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius to move in the opposite direction.
"Would that be turgid or flaccid, sir?"
— the local Porsche dealer, when I told him I wanted a car the same color as my penis.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?"
— Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
It's easy to realize that you have roots in the past. Remember that you also have roots in the future.
One human being is worth more than all the holy books in the world.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
Listen to your enemies. They're the first ones to tell you your faults.
"If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, someone will do it."
— The original 1949 version of "Murphy's Law," from the late Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
"I was walking down the street just a-having a think
"When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
"He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
"He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
"He stared at me and I felt a change.
"Time meant nothing; never would again."
- "Let's Do the Time Warp Again" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
"Any object or entity can catalyze insight. Or, to put it another way, you can look through any window to see the sunlight."
— Amber K, True Magick, p. 126.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
— Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I want to kiss her but ... she won't let me. I want to hold her behind ... closed doors. When she got up, she asked me to hold her seat. She's the kind who took men's hearts ... and wrecked 'em."
- atrocious puns from an obscure song I once heard.
"You could be a headache, but you never were a bore."
— Shirley Ross to Bob Hope in "Thanks for the Memories" (from "The Big Broadcast of 1938")
"Human beings have stopped evolving morally, and
our baser impulses to lie, cheat, gossip, and steal are behaviors we'll just have to learn to live with."
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