Pendragon: Even More Quotations

"When you meet the unbelievers in battle, strike off their heads; then when you have made wide slaughter among them, carefully tie up the remaining captives."

— Holy Qu'ran, Sura 47:4

"You don't have to have uniformity to have unity."
— John Ashcroft

"I woke up this morning and rolled over in bed, and while I was shaving your mothers back, she said, 'Hey, if my retarded son shows up at your concert tonight, tell him to keep his fuckin' mouth shut.'"

— Bobcat Goldthwait, comedian, addressing a heckler

"Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of."

— "Where Your Eyes Don't Go" by They Might Be Giants

"I can't imagine a man wanting to marry me. I should think it would seem like marrying a statue."

— Helen Keller

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

- Woody Allen

"Deep inside, I'm just a frightened little boy ... okay, not really. I just said that because I thought it would make you want to go to bed with me."

— Pendragon, famous Pagan website owner and bon vivant (at the age of 25)

"Yet regardless of logic, no matter how prepared you think you are for 'the inevitable,' it's amazing how the brain scrambles to make sense of the death of someone whose life is so intimately intertwined with yours. The loss creates a physical ache, like taking a punch to the stomach. It leaves you raw, rudderless, and disoriented. Part of it is the shock of the sudden interruption of habit — we talked, we laughed, played with our son, watched movies together, ate dinner together, met with friends. All of that is suddenly gone."

— Blanche Barton, explaining how she was affected by the death of Anton LaVey in 1997 (in The Black Flame, Vol. 6, #15)

"I don't demand that a theory correspond to reality because I don't know what it [reality] is. Reality is not a quality you can test with litmus paper. All I'm concerned with is that the theory should predict the results of measurements."

— Stephen Hawking

"Beliefs" are for those who have no actual experience. If you know god, or if you've ever been in love, you don't need to memorize a list of doctrines or study any abstract principles. You have il vraie chose, which is much more complex and beautiful than any system of belief could ever be.

When it comes to The Fantastic Four ... I have a few issues.

"This is real life ... you're gonna love it!"

— from the Broadway musical "Avenue Q"

"If ya can't see the possum hangin' from the tree at midnight, then a shotgun ain't gonna keep ya from gettin' a mouthful o' hair."

— attributed to "Dr. Phil"

"With some reluctance, Baldomerro retrieved the screaming chihuahua from the cauldron as, once again, the remembrance of Sylvia's tender smile wafted through his mind."

— my entry in the "Worst Opening Sentence of a Novel" contest

Just for today, I will get in touch with my inner sociopath.

Shit happens ... sometimes shitloads of shit. The true test of your character is what you do with the shit.

We are all products of our history, but we don't have to be prisoners of our history. I have learned from my past, but I don't let my past define me.

"I don't know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

— Sir Isaac Newton

"Warn you we tried. Listen you did not. Screwed you will be."

— Yoda

From "The Simpsons:"

"I've done things I'm not proud of, and the things I AM proud of are pretty disgusting."

— Homer Simpson

"Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back."

— Smithers

"This so-called 'new religion' is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools! Let us say the Lord's prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate."

— Rev. Lovejoy (from a sermon about the Movementarians)

"This is terrible. And this never would have happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God, and not out here in the cheap showiness of nature."

— Rev. Lovejoy (referring to an outdoor wedding that was canceled because of bad weather)

"I've been going to Bible classes. They're teaching me to be more judgmental."

— Ned Flanders' wife

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and the wiser people are so full of doubt."

— Bertrand Russell

It is all real, and it is all metaphor ... there is always more to know.

Life is sexually transmitted.

My intuition makes up for my lack of judgment.

Just by being born in the United States of America, you've already hit the lottery. The United States has only 6% of the world's population, yet it consumes 50% of the world's resources. How would you like to be an unemployed "street person" in Thailand?

I am only one, but I am one ... and I'm the one the world revolves around.

"Part of the facts is understanding we have a problem, and part of the facts is what you're going to do about it."

— George W. Bush, Kirtland, Ohio, April 15, 2005

We learn from history that we do not learn from history

There is actually a town in Austria named Fucking.

Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you.

— Andre Gide

I told my doctor my penis was burning. He said that's because somebody's talking about it.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

— Leo Tolstoy

I'll take a "5" with a "10" attitude over a "10" with a "5" attitude any day.

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."

— George Bernard Shaw

Our task must be to free ourselves ... by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.

— Albert Einstein

When things go wrong, don't go wrong with them.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

— Kin Hubbard

"It's remarkable how much you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit."

— Harry S. Truman

"Excuse me, but when you heckle me, you're taking away my audience, and since I'm an entertainer, this audience is one of the tools of my trade. How would you like it if I went to where you work and took away your toilet brush?"

— Milton Berle, addressing a heckler

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough for sarcasm.

I'm not pompous, I'm pedantic. There's a difference. Let me explain it to you ...

"Catch and release" — when you just want to make the fish late for something.

Lewd, crude, and rude ... and I have other traits that don't even rhyme.

The lesser of two evils is still less evil.

Circular logic is self-validating. Therefore, it is correct.

If there were no rhetorical questions, what would we do with our hypothetical answers?

"Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills."

— Sen. Tom Delay

Some people see the glass as being half empty; others see it as half full; I just think it's twice as big as it needs to be.

"Suicide is our way of saying to God, 'You can't fire me! I quit!'"

— Bill Mahr

The Two Rules:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

I don't get mad, I get even. Sometimes I get odd.

Think of this as a live role-playing game.

Life is like a metaphor ... or maybe it's a simile.

Form follows function, and often obliterates it.

Follow the rules, but never follow a rule off a cliff.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me. Neither of us liked what we saw.

There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A third less than it takes to change a regular bulb.

A sentence is a terrible thing to put a preposition at the end of.

You cannot achieve the impossible until you attempt the absurd.

Love means never having to say "Honey, please put down that .357."

I am incorrigible. Please do not try to corrig me.

I am not a minority. I am an outnumbered majority.

Q: What do you get if you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.

Vodka corrupts. Absolut vodka corrupts absolutly.

Death is only a doorway ... here, let me hold that open for you.

Blood is thicker than water (remember to adjust your recipe accordingly).

Anyone who wears a "Bitch" button probably isn't kidding.

Yes, you have freedom of speech. Fortunately, I have freedom not to listen.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads "not guilty."

To get something clean, you must get something else dirty.

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
— Woody Allen

"Kid, the next time I say, 'Let's go someplace like Bolivia,' let's go someplace like Bolivia."
— Paul Newman (as Butch Cassidy)

"You're everywhere. You're omnivorous."
— Homer Simpson (speaking to God)

"Phfft! Facts. You can use them to prove anything."
— Homer Simpson

"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
— Homer Simpson

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
— Homer Simpson

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
— Homer Simpson

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
— Homer Simpson

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
— Homer Simpson

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
— Homer Simpson

"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
— Homer Simpson

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
— Groucho Marx in "Duck Soup"

The great tragedy of science is often the slaying of a beautiful theory by one ugly fact.

I don't have an overactive imagination. I live in an underactive universe.

It's amazing how long it takes to finish something you're not working on.

Life's a bitch, but the puppies are pretty cute.

Q: "What if I train my people, and they leave?"
A: "What if you don't train them, and they stay?"

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

You're only as strong as your weakest delusion.

The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?

I'm an atheist. I know, I know, it's a simple faith ... but it comforts me.

Everybody talks about reality, but nobody does anything about it.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

"Have you ever been sitting on a railroad train in the station, and another train is parked right next to you? And one of them begins moving, but you can't tell which one? And then it becomes obvious, and all the magic is gone? Wouldn't it be nice if we could spend our whole lives not knowing which train is moving? Actually ... we do."

— George Carlin

If it's fixed, don't break it.

Love is just a word. If you actually do it, you don't need a word for it.

"The highest result of education is tolerance. By education, I mean knowledge of yourself, your fellow man, and your environment. Education is tolerance. Maturity and insight come with education. Long ago, men fought and died for their faith; but it took ages to teach them the other kind of courage — the courage to recognize the faiths of their brethren and their rights of conscience. Tolerance is the first principle of community. It is the spirit that conserves the best that all men and women think. No loss by flood and lightning, no destruction of cities and temples by the hostile forces of nature, has deprived mankind of so many noble lives and impulses as those which his intolerance has destroyed."

— Helen Keller

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

1. What is the plural of "one of a kind?"
2. If it can have a plural form ... is it really "one of a kind?"

"I figured out that you had been in my house ... the toilet hadn't been flushed, and my dog was pregnant."

— a comedian addressing a heckler

My body is a temple ... but instead of Jews being inside, I have intestines.

Just for today, I will not suffer in silence. I will whimper and complain.

Isn't all tea "herbal" tea?

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."
— Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

Not long ago Congress voted, with much patriotic rhetoric, for the imposition of severe penalties upon anyone presuming to burn the flag of the United States. Yet the very Congressmen who passed this law are responsible, by acts of commission or omission, for burning, polluting, and plundering the territory that the flag is supposed to represent. Therein, they exemplified the peculiar and perhaps fatal fallacy of civilization: the confusion of symbol with reality.?
— Alan Watts

I want to train a dog to sniff out stupidity. I'll send it to the White House.

Man is the only animal who uses condoms, or needs to.

"I demanded fairy stories when I was a youngster - and I was a critical reader too. One thing I never liked then, and that was the introduction of witches and goblins into the story."

— L. Frank Baum, author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will."

—Spike in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

"A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension."

— Oliver Wendell Holmes

Liberace was a great piano player, but he sucked on the organ.

They can have their drug-free workplace when they pry the needle from my cold, dead fingers.

If I can be of any help, then you're in worse trouble than I thought.

Q: What is real time?

A: It's here and now. As opposed to fake time, which is there and then.

Without order, nothing can exist. Without chaos, nothing can evolve.

If there's anything in the universe that's more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot immediately.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death.

Do not let a fool kiss you, and do not let a kiss fool you.

I'll try anything once ... except (1) incest and (2) folk dancing.

"Quidquid Latine dictum sit, altum viditur" (Whatever is said in Latin seems profound.)

And now let me explain why this makes intuitive sense ...

"Say something wise and your name will live forever."
— Unknown.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed bullshit all over it and put your name at the top."

— an English professor at Ohio University

A fool is someone who insists on holding his own views after I have enlightened him with mine.

If there's a 50-50 chance something will go wrong, then nine times out of ten, it will.

"One item could not be deleted because it was missing."

— Computer error message

Sodomus ean sapiens (I'm buggered if I know).

"I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."

— Stephen King

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."

— Voltaire

"We would stand in a long wavering line with our mess kits firmly in hand, and as we approached the mess tent, men there with cleavers hacked off the tops of cans of salmon, which they then inverted and shook, and shook, and shook over our mess kits until, with a sucking, wet, and schlushy sound the contents of the can would come sliding out, at which time another man would cover the salmon with a large chunk of bread."

— James Baross, World War II veteran, describing Army food served in New Guinea

"It could last six days, six weeks ... I doubt six months."
— Donald Rumsfeld (in 2003) predicting the duration of the war in Iraq

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

If life begins at conception, can I claim my unborn child as a tax deduction?

In the Bible, the people who were the most certain about what they were doing were the ones who stoned the prophets.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers knocking on their doors and bothering them.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the local bar."

— Drew Carey

"The designated driver program: It's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

— Jeff Foxworthy

"I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I didn't see any reason for him to call me a whore."

— Sara Silverman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and you should treat it like one. If your girlfriend wants to leave you, she should give you two weeks' notice ... there should be severance pay ... and the day before she leaves you, she should have to find you a temp."

— Bob Ettinger

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism."
— Thomas Jefferson

"He [President George W. Bush] said that my son — and the other children we've lost — died for a noble cause. I want to find out what the noble cause is."

— Cindy Sheehan

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize — oh my God — I could be eating a slow learner."

— Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started: a bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

— Richard Jeni

"Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends."
— Ned Flanders

"My job is as much educator-in-chief as it is commander-in-chief."
— George W. Bush (a statement which made me want to commit suicide immediately)

If you think Iraq will someday to be a united country, then you don't know Shiite.

"Iraq" is the Arabic word for "Vietnam."

"I was not prepared to shoot my eardrum out with a shotun in order to get a deferment, nor was I willing to go to Canada. So I chose to better myself by learning how to fly airplanes."

— George W. Bush, a coward who didn't have the balls to be in the REAL Army and go to Vietnam (in a 1990 interview with the Dallas Morning News

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