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... Quotations (page 4)
(Sorry about all the font colors. Text in RED is a link.)

"I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star, and I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."
  —   Madonna, explaining to her daughter Lourdes about the kiss she gave Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV Video Awards, in response to Lourdes asking her mother if she was a lesbian
"Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end; then stop."
  —   Lewis Carroll (1832-1896)
"In love, we worry more about the meaning of silences than the meaning of words."
  —   Mason Cooley
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.
According to the Mayans, the world will end on December 21, 2012 at exactly 11:11 am GMT (that's 5:11 am if you live in Dallas).   It falls on a Friday, in case you're interested.   Mark your calendar.
"I recently attended a pro-drug rally.   In my basement."
— David Crosby
"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."
  —   Jon Stewart
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough not to quit."
  —   George Carlin
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and he sits in a boat all day drinking beer.
"Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.'"
  —   Lenny Bruce
"Not to expose your true feelings to an adult seems to be instinctive from the age of seven or eight onwards."
  —   George Orwell
"The English sailed over to the New World and said, 'We've discovered new lands and new territories.'   They planted a flag, and called place New England.   Hey, that makes sense to me!   I think I'll go explore some fire escapes in Brooklyn.   I'll discover a new apartment ... and plant my flag in the living room.   Now all this stuff belongs to me!   Later on, this guy and his wife unlocked the door and walked in ... I had to shoot them.   They were savages."
  —   George Carlin
I hate Father's Day.   I can never find the right card ... they're all too nice.
Your current confusion is part of the divine plan.
Whether or not youíre a "minority" depends on how you define your tribe.   Iím a white Anglo-Saxon middle-aged college-educated man.   I am definitely a minority.
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.   When I'm feeling romantic, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby, naked toddler coming at me with a weapon.
I had a traditional Thanksgiving this year.   I invited all my neighbors to my house for a huge feast.   Then I killed them and took their land.
I was once in a same-sex marriage.   The same sex, over and over and over ...
When I do laundry, I don't separate the colors from the whites.   I wash them together, and let them learn from their cultural differences.
Last night I went to a family restaurant.   Every table had an argument going.
"Masturbation —   — the wonderful availability of it !"
  —   James Joyce
"We are all bastards."
—   William Shakespeare (Cymbeline, Act II, Scene 5)
"But you see, those are the people [owners of the "mom and pop" stores who are put out of business when a Wal-Mart opens] who have been overcharging us   —   selling us stale bread and bad meat and wilted vegetables.   And they sold out and moved to Florida.   I think they've ripped off our communities enough.   First it was Jews, then it was Koreans, and now it's Arabs; very few black people own these stores."
—   Andrew Young, former mayor of Atlanta, former ambassador the U.N. (he was standing on the balcony with Martin Luther King Jr. in 1968). When he made this remark on August 17, 2006, he was a member of the board of directors of Wal-Mart; he resigned immediately afterward. Though he is known as a "civil rights leader," he is obviously just as bigoted as the rest of us.
When you argue with reality, you lose ... but only 100% of the time.
Don't fool around with the masks of reality unless you can handle the reality of masks.
You're not that important.   You're not the center of the universe.   The world doesn't depend on you.   Five hundred years after you're dead, everybody who ever knew anything about you will be dead and every trace of your existence will be gone, except possibly a stone with your name carved on it, and if anyone ever bothers to read the name, he won't react to it in any way, and will instantly forget it.   The world will go on exactly the way it would have if you had never existed.
Agonizing over things that have happened to us is nothing more than an argument with the past.   Your father may have slapped you when you were three, but because you've been thinking about it so much over the years, you've done it to yourself   —   slapped your own face, so to speak   —   a million times.
Most suffering is optional.   All anger is optional.
"The poet must always be a suspicious character.   Only if he is under police surveillance can he be sure his work is important."
  —   Cocteau
Under what twisted theory does one owe money to the IRS?   I understand that you owe money to the bank that financed your car; they did something for you, so now you owe them.   But the IRS?   Think about it.
You know why I don't take no shit? 'Cause I don't give a shit.
"Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. "Snatch," "box," and "pussy" all have other meanings. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, 'We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box.'"
  —   George Carlin
"Ministers of the gospel being, by their profession, dedicated to God and the care of souls, ought not to be diverted from the great duties of their functions: therefore, no minister of the gospel, or priest of any denomination whatever, shall be eligible to the office of the executive of the republic, nor to a seat in either branch of the congress of the same."
  —   from the Constitution of the Republic of the State of Texas (1836)
"In comedian Milton Berle is to be found the acme of hysterical vulgarity.   While one part of the audience blushes and the other part guffaws, comedian Berle proceeds to imitate a person of uncertain gender, quip about the show girls' fundaments, [and] shout depraved announcements into a loudspeaker.   He seems to get a great deal of fun out of it."
  —   Time magazine, October 1932
God made idiots ... that was for practice.   Then he made Jerry Falwell.
A. What is happening has significance far beyond what you realize.
B. Don't try to read great meaning into every little thing that happens.
"Big gangsters were running wild but going to court and getting off scot-free.   I thought: why not have a guy who doesn't take the gangsters to court, but shoots 'em?"
  —   Chester Gould, creator of Dick Tracy
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
A conclusion is simply the place where you stopped thinking.
"I wonder why he shot me?"
  —   the last words of Sen. Huey Long, on September 8, 1936, spoken immediately after he was shot by Carl Weiss.   Sen. Long's bodyguards proceeded to shoot Mr. Weiss 61 times.
If the guards used .38 Special revolvers loaded with standard 158-grain bullets, they put 1.3 POUNDS of lead into Mr. Weiss.
"If you can master nonsense as well as you have already learned to master sense, then each will expose the other for what it is: absurdity. From that moment of illumination, a man begins to be free regardless of his surroundings. He becomes free to play order games and change them at will. He becomes free to play disorder games just for the hell of it. He becomes free to play neither or both. And as the master of his own games, he plays without fear, and therefore without frustration, and therefore with goodwill in his soul and love in his being."
  —   from Principia Discordia
Rule 1:   Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule 2:   Don't sweat the big stuff either.
When you don't hear the bats ... that's when the bats are coming.
"I do not deserve this, but I also have severe leg problems and I don't deserve them either."
  —   Jack Benny, when a friend was kind to him.
"The public supports the [Iraq] war, of course.   Once the bombs begin to fall, Americans support every war, believing it unpatriotic to do otherwise."
  —   Eric Alterman in The Nation, January 11, 1999
"I get angry, and I even have been known to hate.   I am not ashamed of either of these things.   You cannot transform what you do not understand, and you cannot understand what you deny."
  —   Dianne Sylvan
"Various medical authorities swarm in and out of here predicting I have between two days and two months to live.   I think they are guessing.   I remain cheerful and unimpressed.   I look forward without dogmatic optimism but without dread.   I love you all and I deeply implore you to keep the lasagna flying.   Please pardon my levity; I don't see how to take death seriously.   It seems absurd."
  —   Robert Anton Wilson, shortly before he died (in January 2007)
I don't like him because he uses too many cliches ... but that's just the tip of the iceberg.
"What makes you think human beings are sentient and aware?   There's no evidence for it.   Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable.   For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told   -   and become upset if they are exposed to any different view.   The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare.   Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their 'beliefs.'   The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings.   But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all.   We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists.   Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion."
  —   Michael Crichton
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.   The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been."
  —   Alan Ashley-Pitt
When you're young, new ideas are as intoxicating as new love.
"With my spider senses fully alert, and my spider muscles in top condition, he can't possibly hurl those electronic bolts fast enough to hurt me!"
  —   Spider-Man in The Amazing Spider-Man #3 (July 1963)
So ... weíre fighting a war on "terror?" Our enemy is a NOUN? When did nouns become so dangerous? If itís a war, whoís the enemy? Not Iraq ... their army is supposedly on OUR side. If weíre nothing more than an occupying army thatís being shot at by local citizens, that certainly isnít a "war," not by any definition.
"You cannot change the music of your soul."
  —   Katherine Hepburn
"We are the children of chaos, and the deep structure of change is decay.   At root there is only corruption, and the unstemmable tide of chaos.   Gone is purpose; all there is left is direction.   This is the bleakness we have to accept as we peer deeply and dispassionately into the heart of the Universe.   Yet when we look around and see beauty, when we look within and experience conciousness, and when we participate in the delights of life, we know in our hearts that the heart of the Universe is richer by far."
  —   P.W. Atkins, The Second Law (1994)
"I don't care what's written about me, as long as it's not true."
  —   Katherine Hepburn
"Arise, O Lord ... a wild boar has invaded your vineyard."
  —   the prayer of Pope Leo X, upon the occasion of Martin Luther having started the Protestant Reformation
High moral character is not a prerequisite for great moral accomplishments.
"The human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cell. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
— Cliff Clavin (of Cheers)
"We're going to make everybody forget the Beatles."
— Barry Gibb (of the BeeGees), upon the release of the movie Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1976)
"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote."
—   President Grover Cleveland (1900)
"Never forget   —   the press is the enemy; the Establishment is the enemy; the professors are the enemy."
—   President Richard Nixon (1972)
"If you parse the original Latin declension, my point is still moot."
— Cliff Clavin
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
  —   Frank Herbert (the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Dune).
"We spend way too much time worrying about shit that just doesn't matter."
—   Jonathan Neerman (2008)
"This is a farewell kiss, you dog.   This is from the widows, the orphans, and those who were killed in Iraq."
— Muntadar al-Zeidi, Iraqi journalist, as he was throwing his shoes at President George W. Bush in Baghdad (December 15, 2008)
The deepest beauty is suggestive of infinite potential, and is not merely explanatory.   It is a finger that points to the mystery.
"... a children's story which is enjoyed only by children is a bad children's story."
  —   C.S. Lewis in Of Other Worlds
We've reached a point in our civilization where counterculture has mutated into a self-obsessed aesthetic vacuum.   So while hipsterdom is the end product of all prior countercultures, it has now been stripped of its subversion and originality.
"It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
  —   George Clooney in O Brother, Where Art Thou?
"Actually, it's BEELZEBUBBA."
  —   a Texas demon I summoned the other night.
Sometimes things have to fall apart so that they can fall into place.
Life isn't about finding yourself.   Life is about creating yourself.

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