TOP 1000

My Favorite Amulets
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Basic Ritual
Basic Training
Be Here Now
The Bible God
Biblical Contradictions
Bottom Line
The Burning Times
But You Didn't
Cautio Criminalis
The Celtic Cross Tarot Spread
Charlton Heston Speaks
Christians and Christianity
The Color of the Universe
Council of American Witches
Craft Names
Create Your Own Science Fiction Adventure
The Dark Goddess
The (Tarot) Death Card ...
36 different versions
Death is Nothing at All
Escape From Witchcraft
My Eulogy
Five Questions
Fluffy Bunny Witches
Frequently Asked Questions
Genesis 22
George W. Bush
God or Satan?
Good Witch's Bible
Hate Mail Generator
Haunted House
Headline (Fantasy)
The Housewife
How Do You Know You're a Witch?
How to Lose Weight
How to Survive the End of a Horror Movie
I Believe
I Don't Like Spam !
I Wear the Pentagram
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
I'm Not a Radical
Jack T. Chick Tracts
Key to the Tarot
Kissing Hank's Ass
Little Dissertations
Living With Terrorism
The Lord of the Dance
The Lost Book of the Bible
Love Poem
A Love Spell?
Making Your Own Wand
Making Your Own Pentacle Tile
Medieval Times
(Dallas, Texas)
A Meditation
Another Meditation
Misconceptions About Witches
Money Spell
Moon Phase on Your Date of Birth
Movie Quiz
The Official, Certified, Correct Version of Wicca
An Overview of Wicca
A Pagan at the Pearly Gates
Page 237
Pascal's Wager
My Favorite Pentagrams
The People Behind the World Trade Center Attack
A Plea to Webmasters
A Poem by Cather Steincamp
The Practice of Law
Prayers to the Goddess
(and to the Lord)
Profile (Me)
Questions for Christians
(142 of them)
Quotations from Jack T. Chick Tracts
Reading List
The Rules of Combat
Sabbats (1)
Sabbats (2)
Sabbats (3)
Salem Village, 1692
Santa Claus
Synchronicity II
10,000 Goddess Names
Theology (Pagan)
Thirteen Goals
of a Witch
This is Your Captain Speaking
Tips on
Tarot Reading
The Titanic
To Remember Me
A True Story (1)
A True Story (2)
A True Story (3)
A True Story (4)
A True Story (5)
Waiting for the Goddess
What Witches Do
"Wiccan Can Wear Pentacle"
Wiccan Funeral
The Wiccan Rede
Women and the New Testament
Words of Wisdom

More Quotations (page 2)
(Text in RED indicates a link)

"A witty saying proves nothing."
— Voltaire
"It possesses all the merits a sandalwood scented soap may have.   Just try it, and you will see our sincere recommendation is rather convincing."
- the blurb on the wrapper of Bee & Flower sandalwood soap, imported from China (probably an exact translation of the original Chinese)

"Have you ever noticed how weird the English language is?   A meteorologist doesn't study meteors; a zoologist doesn't study the zoo; and a horologist ... well, you get the picture."
— Pendragon (Robin Artisson), famous Wiccan philosopher and bon vivant who once paid $40.00 to join the NAWCC (National Association of Watch and Clock Collectors) just so that he could carry a card in his wallet that said he was a "Horologist"
"My faith is the basis for my beliefs about abortion.   I have faith in a woman's ability to make good decisions about her own body, without outside interference."
— Pendragon (Robin Artisson), world-renowned Pagan, poet, and philosopher
"Lay on MacDuff."
- the gayest line ever spoken by a Shakespearean character
Never summon anything you can't banish.

    I'm skeptical about everything.   I'm even skeptical about my own skepticism.
Two monologues do not constitute a dialogue.

"I have come here to kick ass and chew bubblegum ... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
— from the movie "They Live"
"Somewhere in the world, every ten seconds, a woman is having a baby.   She must be found and stopped."
—   Sam Levenson
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady."
—   Wilson Mizner

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.

"I was married by a judge.   I should have asked for a jury."
—   George Burns
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
  —   Wayne Dyer
"Animals have these advantages over men: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by any unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills."
—   Voltaire
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
—   Bernard Berenson
"My toughest fight was with my first wife."
—   Muhammad Ali

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa.   Somebody lost the corkscrew, and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
—   W.C. Fields
    "I was in a beauty contest once.   Not only did I come in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality."
—   Phyllis Diller
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.

Why are my Constitutional rights always referred to as loopholes?
    "Sir, what you have is called a 'user error.'   You need to replace the user."
— the computer tech guy I got to talk to after being on hold for 12 minutes.
    A hundred million people in America don't vote, and 96% of them don't give money to any politician.

Ten minutes of honest work will beat 100 hours of prayer.

    "Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy."
— Steve Martin
People can be divided into three groups: (1) those who make things happen, (2) those who watch things happen, and (3) and those who wonder what happened.
"Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands?   And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."
— John Lennon
"Life's a bitch ... so I turned into one."
— Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
    "Uniquely American, isn't it?   I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.   Get any sleep?"
— President George W. Bush (February 2005), speaking to a woman who told him she was working three jobs just to be able to survive
The world tries to make itself out to be a very serious place.   Don't buy it.
    "The best way to get the news is from objective sources ... and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what's happening in the world."
— President George W. Bush (November 2003)
"They think just because I'm a goldfish with a 2.8-second memory span that I'll be happy eating nothing but fish flakes all the time   ...   hey, look!   Fish flakes!"
— my goldfish
You know what I like about high school girls?   I keep getting older, but they stay the same age.
Roses are red,
And ready for plucking,
Girls out of high school
Are ready for college.
Nobody else has to be wrong in order for you to be right.
"I've heard that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer, which worked quite nicely for me when I worked as cemetery caretaker."
— U.N. Owen
    Being steadfast in defense of carefully-considered convictions is a virtue; being blankly incapable of (a) distinguishing cherished hopes from disappointing facts or of (b) reassessing comforting doctrines in the face of contradictory evidence is a crippling vice.
That there is a devil we have little doubt,
But is he trying to get inside us, or is he trying to get out?
    All the world's a stage, but some people have better seats.
    "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."
— J. Edgar Hoover
"We'd better get back because it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night.   Mostly."
- Newt ("Nobody calls me Rebecca") in "Aliens"
We are all kneaded from the same dough, but we have been cooked in different ovens.
      How do I know that alien abductions really happen?   Because the government goes to so much trouble to cover up the evidence!   And how do they I know it's being covered up?   Because there's no credible evidence to support my views!
The First Amendment overrules the First Commandment.

Julius Caesar on the subject of masturbation:
"To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor; they that be penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion."
"Toop, toop."
— Remo Williams, in response to the question "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Actions have consequences.   Everything works both ways.

I may be accused of being confused,
But I'm average weight for my height;
And my philosophy, like color TV,
Is all there in black and white.
— Neil Innes ("Protest Song")
"Well, Mom, sometimes it works out like this."
— the last words of Marcus Cotton, convicted murderer, on March 3, 2004, just before he was executed by lethal injection

    "A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
— D.H. Lawrence
"I would have made a good Pope."
— Richard Nixon
"I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it.   It's just getting out of one car and into another."
— John Lennon
"It is a remarkable fact about humans that we cannot simply observe phenomena; we want to know why they occur."
— Jonathan Lear
    "Being willing to do anything to keep a man guarantees that you won't get a man worth keeping.   You get what you act like you deserve."
— Amy Alkon, "The Advice Goddess," in the Dallas Morning News,   January 23, 2004
"They would have beheaded my ass long ago.   Wait a minute.   That doesn't sound right.   They'd have punished me somehow, that's for sure."
—   Rev. Ivan Stang of the Church of the Sub-Genius
    My husband wasn't happy about my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring to monitor my moods.   When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.   When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead.
The type of logic that I use leads only to provisional conclusions.   I always realize that I could be wrong.
It's only natural for some people to be artificial.

They were such a progressive couple ... they tried to adopt a gay baby.
"Life is complex.   It has real and imaginary components."
—   Tom Potter
Remember that you are absolutely unique ... just like everybody else.
"What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway."
— Homer Simpson
"Trying is the first step toward failure."
— Homer Simpson
"You can't keep blaming yourself.   Just blame yourself once and then move on."
— Homer Simpson
It's a god-eat-god world.

We're philosophers.   We think, therefore we am.

Not a man to mince words.   People, yes.   But not words.

Gravity is a habit that's hard to break.

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

Gods are not very introspective.   It has never been a survival trait.   The ability to cajole, threaten, and terrify has always worked well enough.   When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point-of-view is seldom necessary.

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong   ...   It is used.   And one of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary and turn the unusual into the usual.   Because if this was not the case, then human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing big stupid grins, similar to those worn by certain remote tribesmen who occasionally get raided by the authorities and have the contents of their plastic greenhouses very seriously inspected.

"Map?   What's a map?"
"It's a sort of picture that shows you where you are," said Didactylos.
Brutha stared in wonderment.   "And how does it know?"

  — from Small Gods (Terry Pratchett)
Our country was not founded on the Declaration of Being Just Like Everybody Else.
Yes, it's kinky ... until you try it yourself.
People who live in glass houses should not get stoned.

Virtue may be nothing more than the failure to achieve vice.
No, I'm not talking to myself.   I'm talking to other people ... who happen not to be here.
      "The universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a great machine."
—   James Jeans
      "I have sworn on the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."
—   Thomas Jefferson
"The moment I realized I had a dick at my disposal, I did cartwheels to the local drug store and bought a 12-pack of condoms.   No shame.   No embarrassment.   I looked at the cashier, smiled, opened my wallet and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ, fifteen dollars?   Fucking ain't cheap.'"
  —   The Misanthropic Bitch
      The reason television is called a "medium" is because so little of it is rare or well done.
Some people are like Slinkies.   They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
If atheism is a religion then baldness is a hair color.

    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.   We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.   The sciences, each straining in their own directions, have hitherto harmed us little; but someday the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."
—   H.P. Lovecraft
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream."
—   George W. Bush
The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.

The trouble with the status quo is that it's always changing.
    "He's surely one for the ages if both particle physics and personal growth can be discerned in the deep-black Rorschachs of his dramas."
—   from a theater review by Tom Sime in the Dallas Morning News (February 18, 2005, page 15B) ... can you BELIEVE somebody would actually write (and publish) such a pretentious sentence? Let's confiscate this motherfucker's thesaurus NOW.
    Saying that something is "new" simply means that it hasn't been around long enough to disappoint us.
"Jail was very exciting ... I joined the ranks of the martyrs: Mandela, and Lenny Bruce, and Saint Paul."
— Tommy Chong (February 10, 2005)
An easily understood and workable falsehood may be more useful than a complicated and incomprehensible truth.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

"I ask you to acquit Martha Stewart. I ask you to let her return to her life of improving the quality of life for all of us. If you do that ... it's a good thing."
- Robert Morvillo, defense attorney, on March 3, 2004, during final jury argument (Ms. Stewart was found guilty on all counts)
Cuius testiculos habes, habeas kardia et cerebellum.

      "Some motherfucker is always trying to ice skate uphill."
                    —   Blade
    Before you invoke Kali, find out what she's going to want to eat when she arrives.
1. Just for today, do not worry.
2. Just for today, do not anger.
3. Honor your teachers, your parents, your neighbors, and your friends.
4. Give thanks for all living things.
5. Earn your living honestly.
- The Reiki Ideals
P.S. Don't you like these better than the Ten Commandments?
"John and Susan got married.   Four years later, they obtained a divorce in a Court of competent jurisdiction.   Are they still brother and sister?"
- a question on the Arkansas bar exam
    "May your heart be eaten by buzzards and other predatory birds.   May the remainder of your viscera be taken and burned and scattered over vast distances."
—   from an email sent by a Mason to a website where Masonic secrets were revealed
"Small groups who meet and meditate or do ritual together can generate a sense of peace and calm, of community and openness, and they are a wonderful antidote to the energies of distrust and conflict that abound at present, with all the threats of war and terrorism.   In a trusting and effortless way   —   not anxious or deluded by feelings of a 'mission to save the world'   —   such work really does help."
— Phillip Carr-Gomm
No napkin is sanitary enough for me.

"Thanks, but I have other plans."
—   suggested response to "Have a nice day!"
    "She had the Midas touch ... everything she touched turned into a muffler."
—   Lisa Smerling
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
—   Jerry Seinfeld
"Man was predestined to have a free will."
—   Hal Lee Luyah
"Ignore previous cookie."
—   meessage in a fortune cookie
"It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people."
  — Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
"I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is."
—   Charles Lamb
      "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp."
—   Joan Rivers
"You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil.   You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway.   So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."
—   LTG James Mattis (USMC), January 2005
I tried to see it from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass.
Sometimes the only way to come to grips with a situation so out of control that it makes you want to sit down and cry is to do just the opposite ... that is, make fun of it.
Some day, just for fun, park your car on the side of the road, put on a pair of sunglasses, and point your hair dryer at the oncoming cars.   See how many of them slow down.
Q:   Why is George W. Bush so sure that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?
A.   Because his father has the receipt.
If I had my life to live over again
I'd go barefoot ... relax a bit more
I'd talk to more children
And I'd learn how they laugh
And I'd teach them how I've learned to fly ...
— Amy Grant
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women.   Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
— Lynn Lavner
Pain is weakness leaving your body.
- slogan on a T-shirt worn by a U.S. Marine
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to.
"The modern-day concept of profanity and obscenity is just too goddam complicated for me to understand.   It's not obscene, on television, to show murders, violence, and body parts in crime labs.   It is obscene to show Janet Jackson's nipple for one second.   And the word 'crap' is allowed on network sitcoms ... but the word 'shit' isn't.
"Think about it.   Sexual intercourse BEGINS a life; murder ends it.   Sexual intercourse is legal; murder isn't.   Yet the censors DON'T allow television to show us people having sexual intercourse ... and DO allow the graphic depiction of murder."
— Robin Artisson, famous Wiccan philosopher and bon vivant
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
— George Burns
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh"
—   Voltaire

"We can only think certain thoughts because of the kind of language we use.   If we get a thought that doesn't fit into language, we're apt to think we're having a mystical experience   —   unless we know where we got the drugs   —   but otherwise, we're inclined to think it's a mystical experience if it doesn't fit into language.   Therefore, language delimits us."

"[W]e think everything has a right and a left, or a true and a false.   It's a terrible shock to us when we discover something which the Orient discovered 2,500 years ago, or more, which modern science has just discovered in this century: namely, that most of the universe consists of MAYBES."

"In an evolving universe, anyone who stands still is moving backward."

"There is no instrument which, when pointed at a book or painting, will tell how much 'obscenity' is in it."

"The brain is the greatest sex organ of all."

— Robert Anton Wilson
"Certainty of death - small chance of success -what are we waiting for?"
  —   John Rhys-Davies as Gimli in "Lord of the Rings"
I'm telling the truth.   If you don't believe me, ask me.
"All these attempts to link [Saddam Hussein] to Al Qaeda are like trying to link the Pope to Jerry Falwell.   They are in the same general racket, but they disagree with each other on every point of doctrine."
— Robert Anton Wilson
      "It's not whether you win or lose that counts.   It's how badly you beat the guy who came in second."
— Rob Leatham, world-class pistol shooter
"I am not young enough to know everything."
— Oscar Wilde
You must BE the change you wish to see in the world.

"Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age.   Sometimes age shows up all by itself."
"Be water, my friend."
— Bruce Lee
There is nothing about a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly someday.
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
—Tom Robbins
      I drank to drown my sorrows, but then they learned how to swim.
"For it is not continuous drinking and revels, nor the enjoyment of women and young boys, nor of fish and other viands that a luxurious table holds, which make for a pleasant life, but sober reasoning, which examines the motives for every choice and avoidance, and which drives away those opinions resulting in the greatest disturbance to the soul."
— Epicurus (341-270 BCE)
No woman ever made history by being nice.

  "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request ... means 'no.'"
  —   Captain Barbosa in "Pirates of the Caribbean"
"I love deadlines.   I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams
I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder why I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder why I wonder.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

    "We have enough religion to hate each other, but not enough to love each other."
- Johnathan Swift
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

"There comes a time when every reasonable man must spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats."
— H.L. Mencken
"Man is an animal which, alone among the animals, refuses to be satisfied by the fulfilment of animal desires."
— Alexander Graham Bell
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
— Harlan Ellison
Learn from the mistakes of others.   You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
"You know what they say ... fool me once ... uh ... shame on you ... fool me twice ... uh ... won't get fooled again."
— George W. Bush, President of the United States
    If you can read this, thank a teacher.   If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier.
"I think I have past-life amnesia."
— Robin Artisson

"With love, earth is heaven, and we are gods."
—   Robert Ingersoll
Did you ever notice that on "Gilligan's Island," the professor could make a radio out of a coconut, but he couldn't figure out how to fix a hole in a boat?
You absolutely MUST believe in free will!   You have no choice.
"The velocity of nerve transmissions of the brain is such that we can never disentangle perception from conceptualization."
— Robert Anton Wilson (1932-2007)
Two birds
Tied together
They have four wings
But they cannot fly

"I like my women like I like my scotch ... twelve years old and mixed up with coke."
- a comedian

"I like my women like I like my coffee ... ground up and kept in the freezer."
"Be careful lest in fighting the beast you become the beast."
—   Friedrich Nietzsche
"I don't want to die at [age] 40."
— John Lennon (who died at age 40)

"The smallest minority on earth is the individual.   Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities."
— Ayn Rand
"I'm very important.   I have many leather-bound books."
— Will Ferrell (in the movie "Anchorman"), 2004.
"By describing us and our actions as terrorism, you are necessarily describing yourself and your actions ... Our actions are reactions to your actions that destroy and kill our people in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Palestine."
— Osama Bin Ladin (March 2004)
More Quotations (page 3)

Pertaining to
the Craft
True Stories
On a
Personal Note
My Favorite
Court Cases
Christians and
Top 1000