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More Quotations (page 2)
(Text in RED indicates a link)
"A witty saying proves nothing."
— Voltaire
"It possesses all the merits a sandalwood scented soap may have. Just try it, and you will see our sincere recommendation is rather convincing."
- the blurb on the wrapper of Bee & Flower sandalwood soap, imported from China (probably an exact translation of the original Chinese)
"Have you ever noticed how weird the English language is? A meteorologist doesn't study meteors; a zoologist doesn't study the zoo; and a horologist ... well, you get the picture."
— Pendragon (Robin Artisson), famous Wiccan philosopher and bon vivant who once paid $40.00 to join the NAWCC (National Association of Watch and Clock Collectors) just so that he could carry a card in his wallet that said he was a "Horologist"
"My faith is the basis for my beliefs about abortion. I have faith in a woman's ability to make good decisions about her own body, without outside interference."
— Pendragon (Robin Artisson), world-renowned Pagan, poet, and philosopher
"Lay on MacDuff."
- the gayest line ever spoken by a Shakespearean character
Never summon anything you can't banish.
I'm skeptical about everything. I'm even skeptical about my own skepticism.
Two monologues do not constitute a dialogue.
"I have come here to kick ass and chew bubblegum ... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
— from the movie "They Live"
"Somewhere in the world, every ten seconds, a woman is having a baby. She must be found and stopped."
— Sam Levenson
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady."
— Wilson Mizner
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— George Burns
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
— Wayne Dyer
"Animals have these advantages over men: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by any unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills."
— Voltaire
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
— Bernard Berenson
"My toughest fight was with my first wife."
— Muhammad Ali
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody lost the corkscrew, and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
— W.C. Fields
"I was in a beauty contest once. Not only did I come in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality."
— Phyllis Diller
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
Why are my Constitutional rights always referred to as loopholes?
"Sir, what you have is called a 'user error.' You need to replace the user."
— the computer tech guy I got to talk to after being on hold for 12 minutes.
A hundred million people in America don't vote, and 96% of them don't give money to any politician.
Ten minutes of honest work will beat 100 hours of prayer.
"Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy."
— Steve Martin
People can be divided into three groups: (1) those who make things happen, (2) those who watch things happen, and (3) and those who wonder what happened.
"Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."
— John Lennon
"Life's a bitch ... so I turned into one."
— Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
"Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that. Get any sleep?"
— President George W. Bush (February 2005), speaking to a woman who told him she was working three jobs just to be able to survive
The world tries to make itself out to be a very serious place. Don't buy it.
"The best way to get the news is from objective sources ... and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what's happening in the world."
— President George W. Bush (November 2003)
"They think just because I'm a goldfish with a 2.8-second memory span that I'll be happy eating nothing but fish flakes all the time ... hey, look! Fish flakes!"
— my goldfish
You know what I like about high school girls? I keep getting older, but they stay the same age.
Roses are red,
And ready for plucking,
Girls out of high school
Are ready for college.
Nobody else has to be wrong in order for you to be right.
"I've heard that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer, which worked quite nicely for me when I worked as cemetery caretaker."
— U.N. Owen
Being steadfast in defense of carefully-considered convictions is a virtue; being blankly incapable of (a) distinguishing cherished hopes from disappointing facts or of (b) reassessing comforting doctrines in the face of contradictory evidence is a crippling vice.
That there is a devil we have little doubt,
But is he trying to get inside us, or is he trying to get out?
All the world's a stage, but some people have better seats.
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."
— J. Edgar Hoover
"We'd better get back because it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night. Mostly."
- Newt ("Nobody calls me Rebecca") in "Aliens"
We are all kneaded from the same dough, but we have been cooked in different ovens.
How do I know that alien abductions really happen? Because the government goes to so much trouble to cover up the evidence! And how do they I know it's being covered up? Because there's no credible evidence to support my views!
The First Amendment overrules the First Commandment.
Julius Caesar on the subject of masturbation:
"To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor; they that be penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion."
— Commentaries
"Toop, toop."
— Remo Williams, in response to the question "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Actions have consequences. Everything works both ways.
I may be accused of being confused,
But I'm average weight for my height;
And my philosophy, like color TV,
Is all there in black and white.
— Neil Innes ("Protest Song")
"Well, Mom, sometimes it works out like this."
— the last words of Marcus Cotton, convicted murderer, on March 3, 2004, just before he was executed by lethal injection
"A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
— D.H. Lawrence
"I would have made a good Pope."
— Richard Nixon
"I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it. It's just getting out of one car and into another."
— John Lennon
"It is a remarkable fact about humans that we cannot simply observe phenomena; we want to know why they occur."
— Jonathan Lear
"Being willing to do anything to keep a man guarantees that you won't get a man worth keeping. You get what you act like you deserve."
— Amy Alkon, "The Advice Goddess," in the Dallas Morning News, January 23, 2004
"They would have beheaded my ass long ago. Wait a minute. That doesn't sound right. They'd have punished me somehow, that's for sure."
—
Rev. Ivan Stang of the Church of the Sub-Genius
My husband wasn't happy about my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead.
The type of logic that I use leads only to provisional conclusions. I always realize that I could be wrong.
It's only natural for some people to be artificial.
They were such a progressive couple ... they tried to adopt a gay baby.
"Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components."
— Tom Potter
Remember that you are absolutely unique ... just like everybody else.
"What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway."
— Homer Simpson
"Trying is the first step toward failure."
— Homer Simpson
"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and then move on."
— Homer Simpson
It's a god-eat-god world.
We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am.
Not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words.
Gravity is a habit that's hard to break.
The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.
Gods are not very introspective. It has never been a survival trait. The ability to cajole, threaten, and terrify has always worked well enough. When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point-of-view is seldom necessary.
It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong ... It is used. And one of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary and turn the unusual into the usual. Because if this was not the case, then human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing big stupid grins, similar to those worn by certain remote tribesmen who occasionally get raided by the authorities and have the contents of their plastic greenhouses very seriously inspected.
"Map? What's a map?"
"It's a sort of picture that shows you where you are," said Didactylos.
Brutha stared in wonderment. "And how does it know?"
— from Small Gods (Terry Pratchett)
Our country was not founded on the Declaration of Being Just Like Everybody Else.
Yes, it's kinky ... until you try it yourself.
People who live in glass houses should not get stoned.
Virtue may be nothing more than the failure to achieve vice.
No, I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to other people ... who happen not to be here.
"The universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a great machine."
— James Jeans
"I have sworn on the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."
—
Thomas Jefferson
"The moment I realized I had a dick at my disposal, I did cartwheels to the local drug store and bought a 12-pack of condoms. No shame. No embarrassment. I looked at the cashier, smiled, opened my wallet and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ, fifteen dollars? Fucking ain't cheap.'"
— The Misanthropic Bitch
The reason television is called a "medium" is because so little of it is rare or well done.
Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
If atheism is a religion then baldness is a hair color.
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in their own directions, have hitherto harmed us little; but someday the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."
— H.P. Lovecraft
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream."
— George W. Bush
The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.
The trouble with the status quo is that it's always changing.
"He's surely one for the ages if both particle physics and personal growth can be discerned in the deep-black Rorschachs of his dramas."
— from a theater review by Tom Sime in the Dallas Morning News (February 18, 2005, page 15B) ... can you BELIEVE somebody would actually write (and publish) such a pretentious sentence? Let's confiscate this motherfucker's thesaurus NOW.
Saying that something is "new" simply means that it hasn't been around long enough to disappoint us.
"Jail was very exciting ... I joined the ranks of the martyrs: Mandela, and Lenny Bruce, and Saint Paul."
— Tommy Chong (February 10, 2005)
An easily understood and workable falsehood may be more useful than a complicated and incomprehensible truth.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
"I ask you to acquit Martha Stewart. I ask you to let her return to her life of improving the quality of life for all of us. If you do that ... it's a good thing."
- Robert Morvillo, defense attorney, on March 3, 2004, during final jury argument (Ms. Stewart was found guilty on all counts)
Cuius testiculos habes, habeas kardia et cerebellum.
"Some motherfucker is always trying to ice skate uphill."
— Blade
Before you invoke Kali, find out what she's going to want to eat when she arrives.
1. Just for today, do not worry.
2. Just for today, do not anger.
3. Honor your teachers, your parents, your neighbors, and your friends.
4. Give thanks for all living things.
5. Earn your living honestly.
- The Reiki Ideals
P.S. Don't you like these better than the Ten Commandments?
"John and Susan got married. Four years later, they obtained a divorce in a Court of competent jurisdiction. Are they still brother and sister?"
- a question on the Arkansas bar exam
"May your heart be eaten by buzzards and other predatory birds. May the remainder of your viscera be taken and burned and scattered over vast distances."
— from an email sent by a Mason to a website where Masonic secrets were revealed
"Small groups who meet and meditate or do ritual together can generate a sense of peace and calm, of community and openness, and they are a wonderful antidote to the energies of distrust and conflict that abound at present, with all the threats of war and terrorism. In a trusting and effortless way — not anxious or deluded by feelings of a 'mission to save the world' — such work really does help."
— Phillip Carr-Gomm
No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
"Thanks, but I have other plans."
— suggested response to "Have a nice day!"
"She had the Midas touch ... everything she touched turned into a muffler."
— Lisa Smerling
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
— Jerry Seinfeld
"Man was predestined to have a free will."
— Hal Lee Luyah
"Ignore previous cookie."
— meessage in a fortune cookie
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